Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
- Bill Maher
Death is inevitable, it will happen to all of us. The problem here being, we are all afraid to die, because we have no control over it. I believe that is why people choose to commit suicide, because that way they have some sort of control over death. They choose when to die, and I believe that it is both a bad and a good thing.
Suicide has been a though in my head for years, but I’ve come to realize that I believe that I will regret it. I believe that while I’m dying, I will wish to be alive, because all my problems could be solved anyway. I just didn’t see it at the time. Right now my life seems like an endless black hole, where I just keep falling, without really knowing when I’ll reach my lowest. I have been very far down, but I’ve never hit rock bottom. I think I’ve been close though. I believe the ting that has steered my mind towards suicide is people just telling me to change my thoughts. That if I just stop thinking about it, everything will be fine; but they are wrong. That’s not how it works for me, trust me I’ve tried to think about everything, anything, else but I keep failing. It doesn’t work. The school nurse told me that when I get anxious I should just think about Pink Elephants, because they doesn’t exist. She believes that thinking about something that doesn’t exist will help me, but it doesn’t. I know it hasn’t been long since I was there, considering it was on Wednesday, and today is Saturday, but it hasn’t helped one bit.
We have this tradition here where we go to church before the christmas break, considering this is a Christian country, but now that I’m in High School it’s not mandatory, so I chose to go home. To avoid an inevitable panic attack. Even though I kind of wanted to go, because of the music, drama and dance classes’ performance, but I went home because I knew there wouldn’t be an escape route, it would be impossible to get out of there if I had a panic attack.
People might try to tell me that everything will get better, and I know that sometime in the future it will, but right now I see no light at the end of the tunnel.