Death & Panic

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
- Bill Maher

Death is inevitable, it will happen to all of us. The problem here being, we are all afraid to die, because we have no control over it. I believe that is why people choose to commit suicide, because that way they have some sort of control over death. They choose when to die, and I believe that it is both a bad and a good thing.

Suicide has been a though in my head for years, but I’ve come to realize that I believe that I will regret it. I believe that while I’m dying, I will wish to be alive, because all my problems could be solved anyway. I just didn’t see it at the time. Right now my life seems like an endless black hole, where I just keep falling, without really knowing when I’ll reach my lowest. I have been very far down, but I’ve never hit rock bottom. I think I’ve been close though. I believe the ting that has steered my mind towards suicide is people just telling me to change my thoughts. That if I just stop thinking about it, everything will be fine; but they are wrong. That’s not how it works for me, trust me I’ve tried to think about everything, anything, else but I keep failing. It doesn’t work. The school nurse told me that when I get anxious I should just think about Pink Elephants, because they doesn’t exist. She believes that thinking about something that doesn’t exist will help me, but it doesn’t. I know it hasn’t been long since I was there, considering it was on Wednesday, and today is Saturday, but it hasn’t helped one bit.

We have this tradition here where we go to church before the christmas break, considering this is a Christian country, but now that I’m in High School it’s not mandatory, so I chose to go home. To avoid an inevitable panic attack. Even though I kind of wanted to go, because of the music, drama and dance classes’ performance, but I went home because I knew there wouldn’t be an escape route, it would be impossible to get out of there if I had a panic attack.

People might try to tell me that everything will get better, and I know that sometime in the future it will, but right now I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Everyday Anxiety

With having frequent panic attacks I have learnt to brush people off when they happen. Like on monday, in PE, I had a panic attack in class. We were playing basketball, and there were way to many people around me, which caused my fucking social anxiety to act up; causing a panic attack, which wasn’t really wanted. Considering I also have asthma I just played it off as an asthma attack, which people believed. Also considering none of my close friends were in that class because they had been asked to go for a walk, after the teacher started the class, because they didn’t have clothes for PE or they were sick. That’s fine, but knowing that there weren’t anyone that knew my “secret” in my class made me panic even more. The fact that there weren’t anyone there to help me when the panic occurred, scared me. It made me feel worthless, pathetic and lonely. The same way I feel every god damn day, but it was worse this time, because I also felt abandoned. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame anyone but myself for my panic attacks, but being all alone when you experience one sucks. So this basically tells me that I really rely on people to be there for me, I’m literally terrified to be alone, even though I love being alone, considering I’m scared of people.

I have been having problems leaving the house lately, or for two years now, but I’ve done it because it was necessary, but I have realized something today. It isn’t the fear of going outside that is the biggest, it’s the fear of people that makes me so anxious and panicky. Take me when I’m walking home from the bus stop or to the bus stop in the mornings, I can’t walk more than twenty steps before I feel like someone is going to harm me. So it’s basically became a fear of people, rather than going outside. I’m still terrified of going outside, but the fear of people is way more terrifying.

I have also been taking a lot of online tests, to see if I’m also depressed. Which I strongly believe that I am, but I’m no psychologist, even though that is what I want to be when I finish school. I know what you are thinking, those tests aren’t accurate, they are there only to scare you more or my favorite which I heard from my mother the other day; stop overreacting.

STOP OVERREACTING

The scariest phrase there is. Hearing that makes me wonder, am I overreacting? Is it not as bad as I want it to be? Is there even anything wrong with me? Those are all the questions that I want answered, before I go crazy. I don’t know about overreacting, but I know a lot about over analyzing. I over analyze every damn thing I can over analyze. I do it all the time, just walking outside I start doing it. Just being alone in my room I do it. It’s something that I can’t turn off, and it’s making my life a living hell. Just as all the other disorders I have. Someone just make it disappear.

Anxiety

Panic attacks have started happening more frequently, and it is the worst thing that happens to me. Walking into school my mind goes into panic mode, I’ve started talking to the school nurse, but I lie telling her that I’m getting better when I’m actually getting a lot worse. The worst thing about everything is pretending to be alright. I know people want to help me, my parents want to help me; but nothing they say can help me very much. Getting asked everyday by my mother how my day went, is horrible. I lie, is that bad, is it bad that I feel the need to lie to my mother, father, friends and the school nurse? It probably is, but I know I need help, but everything everyone says, makes it feel like they are just trying to brush it off; like it’s nothing, like it’s not a problem at all.

What they doesn’t realize is that it’s the biggest form of problem I face every single day. They know I’m scared to leave the house, just this saturday my life became a living hell again, after having two good days. My definition of a living hell, is probably very different from yours, but it’s my living hell. What can I say, I feel pathetic telling you this, but I probably am. I always tell people I’m fine, but I’m slowly dying inside, just fading away. Waiting for the day that I just can’t get out of bed, because my mind is so god damn complicated.

People doesn’t understand my anxiety, it’s so bad that I can not talk to people I don’t know, I can’t be in crowded places. Sitting in the classroom is the worst thing in the world for me. Just walking into school today, twenty minutes before my first class; I had a major panic attack while walking up the stairs to the third floor, to have my sociology class. I had a german presentation yesterday, I was talking about myself, but I think I fucked it up. I am deadly afraid of getting bad grades, I’m deadly afraid of being alone, I’m deadly afraid of being told that my problems aren’t as bad as they seem, by someone who doesn’t know what they are talking about.

My mother told me to stop overreacting a few days ago, I’ve NEVER overreacted when it comes to my anxiety, or my paranoia. I can take everything else, but not my own mother telling me to stop overreacting while I’m silently having a panic attack. They don’t know shit about me, they think they do, but they don’t. My parents may have raised me, but they doesn’t understand shit about me, they don’t want to. Which makes me very disappointed, they tell themselves that I am fine, just so that they can sleep at night. That is just how it fucking is.

 

New School

At the beginning of the day yesterday, my new principle said something that I would like to remember forever.

This is a time where you can be a completely different person than before, a better person or just be you. Be the you that you want to be.

That inspired me a lot. I don’t know why, but it affected me. I know that I can change the way I am, but I don’t think I want to. I am me, and I don’t think there’s anything I want to change. Ok, maybe the anxiety and shyness part, but other than that; nothing. I am just going to try to stay like I am for the rest of my life. Yes, I have bad days; where I can be the biggest bitch around, but I have good days too. I think today was a good day for me. I made two friends in my class, I can’t remember their names yet, but I’m sure I’ll remember to remember their names.

Even though I made friends, I still feel so awkward. I don’t know where to place myself. Considering the teachers all over my country are protesting against something, I have no idea what is, there are barely people at school. When I was taking the bus to school, my friends from my “childhood” was waiting for the bus home. That’s when I was going to school, to have three periods. It’s just so weird for me, I don’t know where I fit in. I don’t fit in with the people from my class that I already know, yes I talk to them on the bus, but that’s basically it. Other than that, I am completely lost. In the lessons as well, I feel completely stupid. Everyone is so smart, then there’s me. I don’t know the answer to anything that has to do with school. School isn’t for me, but I need an education right? If I want to do anything productive with my life anyways. I’m not saying that some jobs aren’t productive, but I want to make a difference to someone. I don’t know with what yet, but I want to make a difference.

Until next time. 

Anxious, Awkward & Unknown

Ok, so we all know that I have social anxiety. They might think that, after having it for three or four years, I would have it under some sort of control. Well, they are complete and utterly wrong. I have no control over it, and it sucks. I started a new school today, trust me; it sucked. New people, unfamiliar people and familiar people. My biggest problem, which proves my theory from all summer; I’m in a class with none of my friends. They all got a class with each other. Three of my friends in one and two of my friends in one. Then theres me, alone in another class. There are five classes, and me and my friends are spread out on three. It kind of sucks that it turned out that way, because I am that socially awkward kid that is too scared to even talk to anyone. The kid that watches from a corner. The girl who ends up as unknown. The one that nobody knows, the one that barely says a word. That is going to be me.

At the beginning of the day, we were told what class we were apart of. When I heard that I would be without any of my friends, I almost had a panic attack. I’m the type of person that is scared of being alone, but I hate being around other people. I have problems making friends, and I have no social skills. Whenever anyone started a conversation with me today, it ended after we told each other our names, because I couldn’t keep the conversation going; and the other person started it. It probably sounds stupid that I rely on my friends so much, but they are the only ones that can keep me sane, that can keep the anxiety attacks or panic attacks away. Considering the conversations didn’t go very well, how am I expected to make friends? How will I get some new friends, that can keep me sane; like my other friends do. I can bet you 100$ that all of my friends will make new friends before the end of this first semester, and I’ll be left in a corner all alone without anyone to talk to; because I’m the shy girl, the awkward girl, the unknown girl. One thing I know though, I will never tell anyone in my class about my anxiety. It’s enough with the people who knows, if they get comfortable around other people my “secret” will sooner or later come out.

So taking the bus everyday for 32 minutes to get to school, and then have to be at school from eight to three. How am I going to survive those long days when I’m close to being afraid to leave my house? I have to force myself to leave every morning, to get out of bed. I am so close to being too anxious and too paranoid to leave my house. It shouldn’t be like that for a girl my age, I should want to get out and experience the world. BUT we all know that doesn’t work for me. So what can I do? When I’m so close to the edge of being too scared to go outside? If I tell my parents about it they’ll just tell me to get over it. So they are no help, and I can’t explain to my friends that I’m scared of leaving my own home. The thought of something happening to me is too intimidating and it makes me too anxious. So how will I deal with it, how will I make myself leave this house everyday for the rest of the three years I have to go to this school?

Information

I try to reserve the amount of information people get about me. Like if someone asks where I live, I never say what street, only the surrounding area; but on the internet I only say what country or what part of the world. You never know right? Considering I live in a town with 11.000 people, people know people, and news travel fast. For instance someone dies, within two days the whole town knows. Do something wrong? Hell, the whole town will know what you did within hours. We have two newscast things that report the smallest things in this town.

Giving out information about myself isn’t something I enjoy doing. For instance; I went to a specialist to check some joints. He had to know where I was going to start school, what I do on my spare time, basically what I do, where I come from, what I’m going to do with my life. Why the heck would he have to know that to tell me that I have a tennis elbow, and not arthritis. Why would he need to know where I go to school and what I do with my life to give me that diagnosis. I don’t get it. I don’t need to know what he does with his life to know that he’s a doctor that can help me with my pain. I’ve been bothered with the pain for six months, and nobody could tell me what was wrong with me, but they didn’t need to know that I was going to start a specific school, what workout I do, how often I work out.

As well as I don’t like giving my information out to people, I don’t like to buy stuff, order stuff or ask for help to do stuff. That is the worst thing I can do. I was going to order an ice-cream this summer; I couldn’t find my words, I was stuttering, breathing heavily and forgetting what I was going to say. Yay, the everyday life of a shy girl. I wasn’t alone; and the people I was with looked at me like something was seriously wrong with me. As if I’d grown a second head or turned into a werewolf during the seconds I’d tried to order an ice-cream. The only thing I could think about doing in that very second was laugh at my stupidity. Seriously though, I can’t even order an ice-cream from a girl who is probably only three years older than me. I even got my father to get a bus pass for me, because I have to start taking the bus. I couldn’t even get the courage to take the bus into the bigger city outside of the town I live in, and tell a person in an office at the bus station that I needed a bus pass.

I really don’t understand how my brain works. Fine, I might not have the courage to take the bus alone; go into an office and get a bus pass, but I should seriously be able to order an ice-cream! Also I should be able to ask for help, but I’m too scared to do so. I just get too nervous. I’m starting a traffic knowledge class on Tuesday. Yay, strangers! I doubt I’m going to know a single person, and I probably won’t say a single word. And guess what? My father knows the “teacher” and I have to get a ride from him home. I’ve met the guy multiple times before, I think he’s even seen me cry at graduation from my old school. That was a good, but sad day. But lets not get off track here. The problem with getting a ride home from him, is that people usually make small talk, and I suck at small talk. I hate it, I just give short answers that stop the conversation. How do I not end the conversation though? I have nothing interesting to talk about. That is the big problem here. I have nothing interesting to say, so I don’t say it.

Bai.

Panic & Life

Ok, so basically I had a panic attack yesterday. I was out driving (in a parking lot) because I haven’t got my driver’s license yet, well; it’s two years till I can even drive legally without my father or another adult. Anyway I had a panic attack, so it all proves my theory; I am not fit to drive on a road, with a lot of cars. I had a panic attack in an empty parking lot, with no chance of hitting another car, or getting hit by anything. I could have hit a few big rocks, some wooden fence like thing and a building, but I only drove forwards and backwards. Just learning how exactly to use a car, where to look and what to do. Me being me, we all knew that I would either have a panic attack or an anxiety attack,(they’re basically the same thing) but anyways, I was really hoping that I wouldn’t start crying at least, but that’s exactly what I did. Also this being a day where anything could make me cry, it had to happen in front of my dad. I can honestly say that I don’t think I have the best relationship with my parents, I keep to myself; even at home. I don’t get out much, and saying no to my dad, isn’t exactly easy. He will keep telling you to do it, until you agree. I have no idea what caused the panic attack, but it was probably the fact that I was terrified of doing something wrong. I did a lot of things wrong, but for once in my life, I did a few things right. That made me very happy.

I usually just sit in my room on my laptop, so I don’t get out a lot. I think that I spend more time on my laptop than I do on anything else, probably more time than I should; but then again the internet is my best friend. I feel at home on the internet. Here I can decide if I want to read the bad things, or the good things. I have a choice on the internet, which I don’t believe that I have in the world where I live. Don’t get me wrong, I live in one of the richest countries in the world, and there isn’t much crime here, but I don’t like the outside world. It just frightens me. The only times I voluntarily leave the house is when I’m going to the gym, or when I’m going to a friend’s house. All the other times I have to force my brain to believe that if I don’t leave, it’ll just make it worse. I need to challenge myself, trick myself into believing that doing stuff, isn’t going to kill me. I have to do new things, but that is exactly what makes me panic. Things that is new to me, things that I don’t recognize, or things that I haven’t done since I was a kid.Some people probably think I’m still a kid, but I don’t feel like a kid. I feel a lot older than I am. I could have easily been switched with my older brother, considering he acts as if he is a 5-year-old on a sugar high, and I act more like the responsible adult (like he should be acting).

Ok. I get it; You only live once right? That stuff doesn’t apply to me with social anxiety, I can’t just go up to a random stranger and start talking to them. You hear that everywhere, but it’s bullshit. Nobody does outrageous stuff just because they know they will die someday, they usually make rational decisions about what to do with their life, they don’t jump out of a moving car just because they know that they will die someday. Fine, I understand that you want to make the most out of your life, but you don’t have to rub it in my face because I choose to live differently.

That’s all I have to say.