New School

At the beginning of the day yesterday, my new principle said something that I would like to remember forever.

This is a time where you can be a completely different person than before, a better person or just be you. Be the you that you want to be.

That inspired me a lot. I don’t know why, but it affected me. I know that I can change the way I am, but I don’t think I want to. I am me, and I don’t think there’s anything I want to change. Ok, maybe the anxiety and shyness part, but other than that; nothing. I am just going to try to stay like I am for the rest of my life. Yes, I have bad days; where I can be the biggest bitch around, but I have good days too. I think today was a good day for me. I made two friends in my class, I can’t remember their names yet, but I’m sure I’ll remember to remember their names.

Even though I made friends, I still feel so awkward. I don’t know where to place myself. Considering the teachers all over my country are protesting against something, I have no idea what is, there are barely people at school. When I was taking the bus to school, my friends from my “childhood” was waiting for the bus home. That’s when I was going to school, to have three periods. It’s just so weird for me, I don’t know where I fit in. I don’t fit in with the people from my class that I already know, yes I talk to them on the bus, but that’s basically it. Other than that, I am completely lost. In the lessons as well, I feel completely stupid. Everyone is so smart, then there’s me. I don’t know the answer to anything that has to do with school. School isn’t for me, but I need an education right? If I want to do anything productive with my life anyways. I’m not saying that some jobs aren’t productive, but I want to make a difference to someone. I don’t know with what yet, but I want to make a difference.

Until next time. 

Anxious, Awkward & Unknown

Ok, so we all know that I have social anxiety. They might think that, after having it for three or four years, I would have it under some sort of control. Well, they are complete and utterly wrong. I have no control over it, and it sucks. I started a new school today, trust me; it sucked. New people, unfamiliar people and familiar people. My biggest problem, which proves my theory from all summer; I’m in a class with none of my friends. They all got a class with each other. Three of my friends in one and two of my friends in one. Then theres me, alone in another class. There are five classes, and me and my friends are spread out on three. It kind of sucks that it turned out that way, because I am that socially awkward kid that is too scared to even talk to anyone. The kid that watches from a corner. The girl who ends up as unknown. The one that nobody knows, the one that barely says a word. That is going to be me.

At the beginning of the day, we were told what class we were apart of. When I heard that I would be without any of my friends, I almost had a panic attack. I’m the type of person that is scared of being alone, but I hate being around other people. I have problems making friends, and I have no social skills. Whenever anyone started a conversation with me today, it ended after we told each other our names, because I couldn’t keep the conversation going; and the other person started it. It probably sounds stupid that I rely on my friends so much, but they are the only ones that can keep me sane, that can keep the anxiety attacks or panic attacks away. Considering the conversations didn’t go very well, how am I expected to make friends? How will I get some new friends, that can keep me sane; like my other friends do. I can bet you 100$ that all of my friends will make new friends before the end of this first semester, and I’ll be left in a corner all alone without anyone to talk to; because I’m the shy girl, the awkward girl, the unknown girl. One thing I know though, I will never tell anyone in my class about my anxiety. It’s enough with the people who knows, if they get comfortable around other people my “secret” will sooner or later come out.

So taking the bus everyday for 32 minutes to get to school, and then have to be at school from eight to three. How am I going to survive those long days when I’m close to being afraid to leave my house? I have to force myself to leave every morning, to get out of bed. I am so close to being too anxious and too paranoid to leave my house. It shouldn’t be like that for a girl my age, I should want to get out and experience the world. BUT we all know that doesn’t work for me. So what can I do? When I’m so close to the edge of being too scared to go outside? If I tell my parents about it they’ll just tell me to get over it. So they are no help, and I can’t explain to my friends that I’m scared of leaving my own home. The thought of something happening to me is too intimidating and it makes me too anxious. So how will I deal with it, how will I make myself leave this house everyday for the rest of the three years I have to go to this school?

Information

I try to reserve the amount of information people get about me. Like if someone asks where I live, I never say what street, only the surrounding area; but on the internet I only say what country or what part of the world. You never know right? Considering I live in a town with 11.000 people, people know people, and news travel fast. For instance someone dies, within two days the whole town knows. Do something wrong? Hell, the whole town will know what you did within hours. We have two newscast things that report the smallest things in this town.

Giving out information about myself isn’t something I enjoy doing. For instance; I went to a specialist to check some joints. He had to know where I was going to start school, what I do on my spare time, basically what I do, where I come from, what I’m going to do with my life. Why the heck would he have to know that to tell me that I have a tennis elbow, and not arthritis. Why would he need to know where I go to school and what I do with my life to give me that diagnosis. I don’t get it. I don’t need to know what he does with his life to know that he’s a doctor that can help me with my pain. I’ve been bothered with the pain for six months, and nobody could tell me what was wrong with me, but they didn’t need to know that I was going to start a specific school, what workout I do, how often I work out.

As well as I don’t like giving my information out to people, I don’t like to buy stuff, order stuff or ask for help to do stuff. That is the worst thing I can do. I was going to order an ice-cream this summer; I couldn’t find my words, I was stuttering, breathing heavily and forgetting what I was going to say. Yay, the everyday life of a shy girl. I wasn’t alone; and the people I was with looked at me like something was seriously wrong with me. As if I’d grown a second head or turned into a werewolf during the seconds I’d tried to order an ice-cream. The only thing I could think about doing in that very second was laugh at my stupidity. Seriously though, I can’t even order an ice-cream from a girl who is probably only three years older than me. I even got my father to get a bus pass for me, because I have to start taking the bus. I couldn’t even get the courage to take the bus into the bigger city outside of the town I live in, and tell a person in an office at the bus station that I needed a bus pass.

I really don’t understand how my brain works. Fine, I might not have the courage to take the bus alone; go into an office and get a bus pass, but I should seriously be able to order an ice-cream! Also I should be able to ask for help, but I’m too scared to do so. I just get too nervous. I’m starting a traffic knowledge class on Tuesday. Yay, strangers! I doubt I’m going to know a single person, and I probably won’t say a single word. And guess what? My father knows the “teacher” and I have to get a ride from him home. I’ve met the guy multiple times before, I think he’s even seen me cry at graduation from my old school. That was a good, but sad day. But lets not get off track here. The problem with getting a ride home from him, is that people usually make small talk, and I suck at small talk. I hate it, I just give short answers that stop the conversation. How do I not end the conversation though? I have nothing interesting to talk about. That is the big problem here. I have nothing interesting to say, so I don’t say it.

Bai.

Panic & Life

Ok, so basically I had a panic attack yesterday. I was out driving (in a parking lot) because I haven’t got my driver’s license yet, well; it’s two years till I can even drive legally without my father or another adult. Anyway I had a panic attack, so it all proves my theory; I am not fit to drive on a road, with a lot of cars. I had a panic attack in an empty parking lot, with no chance of hitting another car, or getting hit by anything. I could have hit a few big rocks, some wooden fence like thing and a building, but I only drove forwards and backwards. Just learning how exactly to use a car, where to look and what to do. Me being me, we all knew that I would either have a panic attack or an anxiety attack,(they’re basically the same thing) but anyways, I was really hoping that I wouldn’t start crying at least, but that’s exactly what I did. Also this being a day where anything could make me cry, it had to happen in front of my dad. I can honestly say that I don’t think I have the best relationship with my parents, I keep to myself; even at home. I don’t get out much, and saying no to my dad, isn’t exactly easy. He will keep telling you to do it, until you agree. I have no idea what caused the panic attack, but it was probably the fact that I was terrified of doing something wrong. I did a lot of things wrong, but for once in my life, I did a few things right. That made me very happy.

I usually just sit in my room on my laptop, so I don’t get out a lot. I think that I spend more time on my laptop than I do on anything else, probably more time than I should; but then again the internet is my best friend. I feel at home on the internet. Here I can decide if I want to read the bad things, or the good things. I have a choice on the internet, which I don’t believe that I have in the world where I live. Don’t get me wrong, I live in one of the richest countries in the world, and there isn’t much crime here, but I don’t like the outside world. It just frightens me. The only times I voluntarily leave the house is when I’m going to the gym, or when I’m going to a friend’s house. All the other times I have to force my brain to believe that if I don’t leave, it’ll just make it worse. I need to challenge myself, trick myself into believing that doing stuff, isn’t going to kill me. I have to do new things, but that is exactly what makes me panic. Things that is new to me, things that I don’t recognize, or things that I haven’t done since I was a kid.Some people probably think I’m still a kid, but I don’t feel like a kid. I feel a lot older than I am. I could have easily been switched with my older brother, considering he acts as if he is a 5-year-old on a sugar high, and I act more like the responsible adult (like he should be acting).

Ok. I get it; You only live once right? That stuff doesn’t apply to me with social anxiety, I can’t just go up to a random stranger and start talking to them. You hear that everywhere, but it’s bullshit. Nobody does outrageous stuff just because they know they will die someday, they usually make rational decisions about what to do with their life, they don’t jump out of a moving car just because they know that they will die someday. Fine, I understand that you want to make the most out of your life, but you don’t have to rub it in my face because I choose to live differently.

That’s all I have to say.

Shyness

 

I think I’ve been shy all my life, but finding out that I have social anxiety makes everything harder for me. I’m not only shy, but my mind tells me, for some reason, that if I talk to someone they’ll just laugh at me. I know that to other people it’s not normal to feel like that, but just talking to someone I know is “awkward” for me.I start a new school on Thursday, it’s literally terrifying for me. Sure I will have some friends there from my previous school, but they are all very outgoing, and unlike me, they actually like people. Three more years of school, and then; University. Let’s just all hope, for my sake, that I’m not so shy after the three years on this new school. The thing that scares me the most is that I somehow need to tell my new teachers about my social anxiety. There is nothing I’m more scared of, than talking about my anxiety. Just thinking about it makes me anxious about it.

I have that kind of mind that won’t let me take a compliment, I can talk about people in the nicest way possible, but I can never hear people talk about me in a good way. But then again, hearing people talking about me in general is something I dislike, because my mind jumps to conclusions; making me believe everyone talks about me being a bad person. I really hope I’m not a bad person, I snap easily, but I try to be nice to everyone I meet, know or see. If I walk past some older lady on the street, I smile; even though I have never seen her before.

It’s been years and years since I became very shy, but I still don’t understand why I’m so shy. What is it that made me so reserved and anxious. Why am I so scared of everything that can hurt me, and everything that can’t hurt me? Those are the questions I would like to have answered during the next three years of my life. Three years of change, before even more years of change.

Have you ever felt like you have no control over your life? Like for instance what you’re going to wear? What you are going to eat? when you are going to be brave enough to go out of the house? That’s my life. I have no control over what my mind decides to do. One day I can just suddenly feel like I’m about to cry, the other day I’ve never been happier. The one with the urge to cry all the time, happens a lot more than the other one, but that’s not my point. My point is that; I have no control over what my mind decides to do. What I feel like doing, what I dare to do. I’m literally scared of the world, and I don’t except that to stop anytime soon.

Until next time.