I think I’ve been shy all my life, but finding out that I have social anxiety makes everything harder for me. I’m not only shy, but my mind tells me, for some reason, that if I talk to someone they’ll just laugh at me. I know that to other people it’s not normal to feel like that, but just talking to someone I know is “awkward” for me.I start a new school on Thursday, it’s literally terrifying for me. Sure I will have some friends there from my previous school, but they are all very outgoing, and unlike me, they actually like people. Three more years of school, and then; University. Let’s just all hope, for my sake, that I’m not so shy after the three years on this new school. The thing that scares me the most is that I somehow need to tell my new teachers about my social anxiety. There is nothing I’m more scared of, than talking about my anxiety. Just thinking about it makes me anxious about it.
I have that kind of mind that won’t let me take a compliment, I can talk about people in the nicest way possible, but I can never hear people talk about me in a good way. But then again, hearing people talking about me in general is something I dislike, because my mind jumps to conclusions; making me believe everyone talks about me being a bad person. I really hope I’m not a bad person, I snap easily, but I try to be nice to everyone I meet, know or see. If I walk past some older lady on the street, I smile; even though I have never seen her before.
It’s been years and years since I became very shy, but I still don’t understand why I’m so shy. What is it that made me so reserved and anxious. Why am I so scared of everything that can hurt me, and everything that can’t hurt me? Those are the questions I would like to have answered during the next three years of my life. Three years of change, before even more years of change.
Have you ever felt like you have no control over your life? Like for instance what you’re going to wear? What you are going to eat? when you are going to be brave enough to go out of the house? That’s my life. I have no control over what my mind decides to do. One day I can just suddenly feel like I’m about to cry, the other day I’ve never been happier. The one with the urge to cry all the time, happens a lot more than the other one, but that’s not my point. My point is that; I have no control over what my mind decides to do. What I feel like doing, what I dare to do. I’m literally scared of the world, and I don’t except that to stop anytime soon.
Until next time.