Hey everyone… it’s been a while
As I am writing this it is almost 5 in the morning on a Sunday, and I haven’t slept at all. Something that I expected to happen as I haven’t slept well all week I’ve been off of school. I don’t know where it has come from, either the constant stress, anxiety or the depression I am terrified of talking about. I have this thing where I can only write my feelings, I cannot talk about them. If I try to talk about my feelings with anyone I just start talking about anything else or I end up getting horribly annoyed or frustrated at the person I am talking to. It is usually my mother pushing me to talk about everything, which usually start off with her asking: “How is your head?”. As if that makes the situation any better, I know I have mental problems, but she thinks that trying to push me to talk about my feelings and all that other bullshit will help. It might, but as of now I cannot do that. I will not talk to my mother about my feelings, I only talk to the internet about my feelings. End of discussion. This writing thing is actually helping me a lot more than I expected it to do. I get to vent, even though nobody reads it, I get to let it all out; and that is probably something I need from time to time.
Anyway, my fucking gym teacher sent a letter to my parents about my participation in PE, which is close to zero, but anyways. What pisses me off the most is that I had a conversation with her the same day the letter arrived at my house, and my teacher didn’t even bother to warn me about what I was coming home to. I had a handball match that day, and once I walked in the door at home I was accused of ditching classes and lying to my parents. I am really glad that I had the opportunity to go take a shower at that point, because the thirty minutes I spent in the shower was mostly spent on crying and having a panic attack. Just the fact that my teacher didn’t bother to tell me pissed me off so much that on Monday I don’t even want to go to class, because we have creative dance. I cannot dance to save my life, so this will be a hell of an experience. I will most likely have a full-blown panic-attack in front of my whole class, or I’m going to throw up the morning I have to perform it and just skip school. I have an excuse, I have a disease which the doctor gave me a certification thing for, so they cannot get mad that I am sick. My PE-teacher has said that the groups that want to can perform only for her, but I am on a group with extremely extroverted people, as I am an introvert this is a big challenge.
How will I get out of this mess, I cannot skip more PE, and I cannot tell my parents that I do not want to participate in PE… Save me someone, I don’t care who, but someone save me from my miserable life.