Miserable at Best

Hey everyone… it’s been a while

As I am writing this it is almost 5 in the morning on a Sunday, and I haven’t slept at all. Something that I expected to happen as I haven’t slept well all week I’ve been off of school. I don’t know where it has come from, either the constant stress, anxiety or the depression I am terrified of talking about. I have this thing where I can only write my feelings, I cannot talk about them. If I try to talk about my feelings with anyone I just start talking about anything else or I end up getting horribly annoyed or frustrated at the person I am talking to. It is usually my mother pushing me to talk about everything, which usually start off with her asking: “How is your head?”. As if that makes the situation any better, I know I have mental problems, but she thinks that trying to push me to talk about my feelings and all that other bullshit will help. It might, but as of now I cannot do that. I will not talk to my mother about my feelings, I only talk to the internet about my feelings. End of discussion. This writing thing is actually helping me a lot more than I expected it to do. I get to vent, even though nobody reads it, I get to let it all out; and that is probably something I need from time to time.

Anyway, my fucking gym teacher sent a letter to my parents about my participation in PE, which is close to zero, but anyways. What pisses me off the most is that I had a conversation with her the same day the letter arrived at my house, and my teacher didn’t even bother to warn me about what I was coming home to. I had a handball match that day, and once I walked in the door at home I was accused of ditching classes and lying to my parents. I am really glad that I had the opportunity to go take a shower at that point, because the thirty minutes I spent in the shower was mostly spent on crying and having a panic attack. Just the fact that my teacher didn’t bother to tell me pissed me off so much that on Monday I don’t even want to go to class, because we have creative dance. I cannot dance to save my life, so this will be a hell of an experience. I will most likely have a full-blown panic-attack in front of my whole class, or I’m going to throw up the morning I have to perform it and just skip school. I have an excuse, I have a disease which the doctor gave me a certification thing for, so they cannot get mad that I am sick. My PE-teacher has said that the groups that want to can perform only for her, but I am on a group with extremely extroverted people, as I am an introvert this is a big challenge.

How will I get out of this mess, I cannot skip more PE, and I cannot tell my parents that I do not want to participate in PE… Save me someone, I don’t care who, but someone save me from my miserable life.

 

Sickness.

Hello the world of WordPress. I am back to vent.

So basically I’ve been sick for about a week now, just the usual nauseous-ness and throw-ups. And basically it sucks, a lot. Having been sick for about a week, my mother means that if I stay sick I have to go to the doctors, and I hate going to the doctors. I feel as if he is somehow judging everything I say, but anyways. I still feel like shit, and I am starting to believe that the sickness comes from the mental-sickness. As I am writing this i still feel like shit, and I feel as if I am going to throw up any minute now. I’ve thrown up twice this week, and let me tell you; it is not a pleasant feeling. Not that I’ve eaten a lot this week either, because the food just makes me even more nauseous. By the way, thank god for auto-correct because I can’t spell “nauseous” to save my life, but that is completely off topic.

I feel sick, tired, exhausted and just don’t know. I have this weird feeling as if something very wrong is going on with me, and I’m scared to know the truth. That is why I’m scared that I have to go to the doctor, and no I can not be pregnant; I know that for certain. My body feels as if it’s been hit by a truck, I feel emotionally drained and I feel my mind have just given up on me. I know that I will not be able to go to school tomorrow, which requires me to go to the doctor this week, and so be it. I know I’m sick, and that I need to know what is going on.

I just can’t shake the feeling that it is really bad, or that it’s nothing at all and my body is just rebelling against me. All I know for sure is that I’m sick of feeling sick. Guess I have to pay the doctor a visit this week then.

Sayonara.

Understanding

My biggest problem is in understanding what is wrong with me. So that doesn’t make it easier. Especially when my mother don’t understand what I’m trying to tell her. Sure, I haven’t told her that I’ve thought about jumping off a cliff, or walk into oncoming traffic. It’s hard for me to deal with my problems, when my parents don’t even understand what I’m trying to tell them. The big thing being, that I don’t want to leave the house, the second thing that I’m terrified of people. My mother just believes that I’m only scared of the dark, which I am, but that isn’t the problem. The problem is the world.

I need her to understand how I feel in the mornings, days, evenings when I have to leave the comfort of my bedroom to go to school, work, or a friend’s house. It kills me that I consider not going to a friend’s house because I’m scared of leaving the house, because I want to lead a normal life, but it’s too hard for me, and that people don’t get it is understandable, it really is. But, I’ve tried to explain it to my mother around a hundred times now, and she still doesn’t try to hear what I’m saying. She only hears night, morning, afraid. That’s it, and it doesn’t exactly help me. The phrase “Stop overreacting!” has come along a few more times lately than I would like it too.

The constant nagging about how I’m doing is not helping at all, because if I knew that I would be relieved, but I don’t know shit about how I’m doing! If I knew what was wrong, I would have tried to make it better, I wouldn’t just leave it like I am now, because I would have found a way to fix it, or so I would like to believe. I just want to be able to say that I’m ok, I want to be ok soon. I just can’t see it happening in any near future…

Differental Treatment

Is it possible to mentally abuse yourself? I just started thinking about it because you can mentally abuse others, but is it possible to do it to yourself. It is possible to abuse yourself physically, so I believe that it is possible to do it mentally towards yourself. And doing that makes you self-confidence fall drastically and quickly.

Take for instance telling yourself for years that you aren’t good enough to do shit, eventually you are going to believe it; and when you believe it it’s hard to get rid of that one thought. I believe I have done exactly this for about 10 years now, yes it started around the time I started school. I was never pretty enough, never skinny enough, never smart enough. So I made myself believe that I wasn’t worth anything, that the world would be better without me, what scares me most is that it started at such young age. It might have come from the fact that my older brother is good at everything he does. Football: good, School: great, friendships: the guy everyone wants to talk to, around my family: the most loved one.

Some people say that the youngest one gets the most attention, for me it’s the complete opposite. I never got much attention, except for when I did something wrong, and that attention wasn’t a good type of attention either. It was the screaming, shouting and me ending up in my room crying, because I have always hated to get yelled at. What sucks the most is that at the age I am, my brother spent all his day at the computer, in front of the tv, playing video games with his friends; but when I do the exact same thing they yell at me. I don’t understand it, is it because I’m a girl? Is it because they feel as if they failed him, which means they have to try way to hard with me?

It can’t be the fact that they failed him, he’s going to be a teacher for gods sake! He is doing something with his life, while there’s me; the kid that doesn’t have a life. It’s not my fault I got the disorders I got, at least I don’t believe it’s my fault. Why is it that my family doesn’t like me much? Am I that much of an obnoxious person?

Sure it is

Latenight Writing

First post of 2015… Yay?

The people of the Internet know a lot more about my problems than anyone else. I don’t remember ever telling anyone this much about me, and it actually feels pretty good to be able to vent somewhere, even though I don’t expect anyone to read it. Considering its 4th of January as I’m writing at midnight, people everywhere are going on about how 2015 is going to be this fabulous thing. While I am laying in my bed feeling extremely lost, because thinking of the upcoming year scares the living shit out of me. So here I am, laying in my bed, listening to music through the radio station feature on Spotify, trying to calm my anxiety.

The fact that the future makes me anxious is probably normal if you ask anyone, but to me it’s like I don’t really know where to go, what to do, if I will survive another year after the 8 years of excruciating anxiety and constant worries. The thoughts are always there, and they will probably not go away any time soon either, considering the only coping mechanism I have is denial; which to me is what the school nurse tries to make me do, it’s like that is the thing they want me to do; to stop being a bother to the society. All the while I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning because I don’t see the use in living a useless life. A life without meaning. Life without a cause, isn’t really a life worth living for me.

I don’t know why I would tell the internet this, but I have had this dream of becoming a Youtuber for about two years now. I tried once, but I know people will hate me anyways, so what’s the point anyways. I also have this dream of becoming a shrink, a therapist, but that’ll never happen unless I fix my own god damn problems first, which won’t happen cause nobody will really help me with what I need help for. I as everyone else have dreams, dreams that’ll never come true because of my god damn anxiety disorder. I know people don’t really believe me because I haven’t gotten it confirmed by a doctor yet, but that is because I’m anxious. I’m also scared that my doctor will laugh at my face, instead of taking me seriously. As my friends doctor did to her…

The thing I wish would happen less in 2015 is people asking, “Are you ok?”, “What’s wrong?”, “What can I do to help?”, “What makes you anxious?”, “What triggers the attacks?” and all because I don’t know what to answer to any of these damn questions! It’s so god damn annoying, because if I’d known what made me anxious I would’ve already been a bit better! I asked for help, because I don’t know why the fuck I get anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I don’t know why food makes me want to throw up, I don’t know why I never feel happy, I don’t know why I’m afraid of people, I don’t know why I want to kill myself, I don’t know why I don’t find any joy in living, I don’t know shit! Those things are why I asked for help from the school nurse in the first place (also because asking my doctor for help is way to scary), but people can’t understand that, neither can she. Those things above are the reason I know I’m not well. I have nothing against the methods she tries, but they aren’t working; and I don’t say otherwise because I don’t want her to feel as if she can’t do her job properly.

Maybe you can answer the thing that scares me the most….
Why can’t I eat? Why do I feel sick when I eat?

-Later

Death & Panic

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
– Bill Maher

Death is inevitable, it will happen to all of us. The problem here being, we are all afraid to die, because we have no control over it. I believe that is why people choose to commit suicide, because that way they have some sort of control over death. They choose when to die, and I believe that it is both a bad and a good thing.

Suicide has been a though in my head for years, but I’ve come to realize that I believe that I will regret it. I believe that while I’m dying, I will wish to be alive, because all my problems could be solved anyway. I just didn’t see it at the time. Right now my life seems like an endless black hole, where I just keep falling, without really knowing when I’ll reach my lowest. I have been very far down, but I’ve never hit rock bottom. I think I’ve been close though. I believe the ting that has steered my mind towards suicide is people just telling me to change my thoughts. That if I just stop thinking about it, everything will be fine; but they are wrong. That’s not how it works for me, trust me I’ve tried to think about everything, anything, else but I keep failing. It doesn’t work. The school nurse told me that when I get anxious I should just think about Pink Elephants, because they doesn’t exist. She believes that thinking about something that doesn’t exist will help me, but it doesn’t. I know it hasn’t been long since I was there, considering it was on Wednesday, and today is Saturday, but it hasn’t helped one bit.

We have this tradition here where we go to church before the christmas break, considering this is a Christian country, but now that I’m in High School it’s not mandatory, so I chose to go home. To avoid an inevitable panic attack. Even though I kind of wanted to go, because of the music, drama and dance classes’ performance, but I went home because I knew there wouldn’t be an escape route, it would be impossible to get out of there if I had a panic attack.

People might try to tell me that everything will get better, and I know that sometime in the future it will, but right now I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Everyday Anxiety

With having frequent panic attacks I have learnt to brush people off when they happen. Like on monday, in PE, I had a panic attack in class. We were playing basketball, and there were way to many people around me, which caused my fucking social anxiety to act up; causing a panic attack, which wasn’t really wanted. Considering I also have asthma I just played it off as an asthma attack, which people believed. Also considering none of my close friends were in that class because they had been asked to go for a walk, after the teacher started the class, because they didn’t have clothes for PE or they were sick. That’s fine, but knowing that there weren’t anyone that knew my “secret” in my class made me panic even more. The fact that there weren’t anyone there to help me when the panic occurred, scared me. It made me feel worthless, pathetic and lonely. The same way I feel every god damn day, but it was worse this time, because I also felt abandoned. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame anyone but myself for my panic attacks, but being all alone when you experience one sucks. So this basically tells me that I really rely on people to be there for me, I’m literally terrified to be alone, even though I love being alone, considering I’m scared of people.

I have been having problems leaving the house lately, or for two years now, but I’ve done it because it was necessary, but I have realized something today. It isn’t the fear of going outside that is the biggest, it’s the fear of people that makes me so anxious and panicky. Take me when I’m walking home from the bus stop or to the bus stop in the mornings, I can’t walk more than twenty steps before I feel like someone is going to harm me. So it’s basically became a fear of people, rather than going outside. I’m still terrified of going outside, but the fear of people is way more terrifying.

I have also been taking a lot of online tests, to see if I’m also depressed. Which I strongly believe that I am, but I’m no psychologist, even though that is what I want to be when I finish school. I know what you are thinking, those tests aren’t accurate, they are there only to scare you more or my favorite which I heard from my mother the other day; stop overreacting.

STOP OVERREACTING

The scariest phrase there is. Hearing that makes me wonder, am I overreacting? Is it not as bad as I want it to be? Is there even anything wrong with me? Those are all the questions that I want answered, before I go crazy. I don’t know about overreacting, but I know a lot about over analyzing. I over analyze every damn thing I can over analyze. I do it all the time, just walking outside I start doing it. Just being alone in my room I do it. It’s something that I can’t turn off, and it’s making my life a living hell. Just as all the other disorders I have. Someone just make it disappear.